Saturday, March 3, 2012

I Use to Like Sad Shit

I use to be a robot. I didn't have laser eyes, super strength, and I wasn't hunting for John Connor, but I almost never cried. I felt emotions, I was sad when my grandfathers died within a week of each other but I didn't cry. I even did a marathon of "Grey's Anatomy" without crying, and for those who haven't seen the show, it has its sad moments - downright depressing at times.

Then my surrogate older sister went to war. She was a member of the National Guard and she was deployed to Iraq. There was a real possibility that she could die, war is notorious for people dying, and my armor broke. I would spend nights worrying and wondering what would happen if she died. Inevitably, this would lead the night to end with me crying myself to sleep.

In drinking, once you go pee you've broken the seal and must respond to your bladder when it demands. The same is applied to crying. Now, I can't stop myself. I watched one, just one, episode of "Grey's" and I was bawling like a drunken Father admitting he failed his children.

A Journalism professor said that this is good. It means that I'm no longer skating through life. That by allowing myself to cry, or more accurately, to actually feel something, I'm growing as a person. That I'll get to experience the full emotional spectrum and thus be grateful for the happiness I do feel.

I think that's bullshit. I was happy. Now I'm just sad a lot.

If only I had the money and technology to become a million dollar man. If only I could be rebuilt.