Tuesday, February 1, 2011

I am so horny, it's sad.

I'm a virgin.

At 20, my only experience with anything sexual is one kiss and constant masturbation. Now you might be thinking that this honorable; saving myself for someone I love, maybe even marriage.

Only problem with that idea is I'm a guy. Now you think I'm pathetic. What if I told I was gay? That makes it worse? Yeah, I agree.

Let's talk (I'll fill in your parts)

I don't think people should just fuck everyone they see. And I certainly don't like the raise in teen pregnancy. But I think we can all agree it's sad that the only sexual adventures I've had was a kiss from a girl, and she's a huge tease who kisses everyone. Plus there was no tongue and it barely lasted 3 seconds.

How....?

Well, I grew up in a small town, where homosexuality wasn't really talked about. I don't think the town would have stoned me, but we definitely didn't have any parades. Combined with the fact that I stereotypical like older, buff, men and my choices were limited. Besides, no one wants to fuck a fat 15 year old.

But when I was 16 I moved to a big city...near a military base....in the South. Talk about a double-helping of intolerance. I only told one person, and it was terrifying. I had good reason to stay in the closet though. A classmate once said that she wanted "all the fags round up and burned." (Not to me, we were having a class discussion when she said it)

Unsurprisingly, I came back home less than a year later. Two years later, I moved to Boston for an internship. Being in a city that is well known for its gayness, you'd think I could found someone to hit this. Not so. While I was there, someone actually told me that I was "going to burn in hell." I respond with, "at least I'm having fun getting there." Went back to my apartment and cried in the bathroom until my roommate came home.

Internship ended and I was back in Small Town (refer to paragraph 5).

But location isn't the only problem. First, I'm awkward and insecure. Pretty boys make me dumb. My lips melt together, refusing to let me say anything in fear it'll sound stupid. Next, my eyes, which crave to see naked glory, stare (which makes everyone uncomfortable). Lastly, gays are worse than girls, and I'm far from attractive and I have no idea what self-worth feels like.

But it's not only that. Sex makes me nervous. Alone in my room, I can post this, no problem. Ask me about my sex life, I'll blush, stutter something incomprehensive, and quickly change the subject. It doesn't stop at talking though. I walk up two levels of my building to use a vending machine.

How is that relative?

Well, the vending machine two doors down from me, has condoms. I'm so freaked out by the idea of sex, that I only use that machine when its past 3 a.m. and even then, I run back to my door after I get my candy (usually M&Ms).

Point of all this?

I have a tentative date this weekend. He had an ad on craigslist (yes, I'm so goddamn fucked up that I had to find a guy on the internet), so if I don't post anything for a week, call the police.

He's probably killed and ate me by then, but I'm young and gay and (once again) in a gay-friendly city. That's prime news, and dying young is the only way to become a legend.

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